Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
