Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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