apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
