why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
