Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
