So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
