it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
