Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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