everyone is single if you try hard enough
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
