I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
