Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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