i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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