You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
