ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
