I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
