So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
