I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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