I got chris browned last night
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
