There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
