Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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