I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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