Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Randomize
