I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
