The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
