remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
