I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
