I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
a search helicopter?!
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
