The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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