Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
