i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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