Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
