theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
