i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
