yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
