Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
