After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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