Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
