The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
