Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
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