got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
