I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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