carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
