I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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