he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
where are my eyebrows?
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