for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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