I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
