I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
