i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
