Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just invented taco cereal.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
