Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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