Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
