me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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