i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize