Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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