I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
