Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
