Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
