She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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