I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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