Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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